Travelog: Washington DC

The following is a single page version of 7 facebook posts I made as a travelog of a Washington DC trip. Some of the facts may be, um, completely made up unverified.


Washington DC Visit (1 of 7)   We took our granddaughter to DC to show her a bit about our country’s history and other important sites. This is the first in the set of posts explaining our visit and includes some of the information & knowledge we were able to provide her.


Washington DC Visit (2 of 7)    Billy Idol has a statue in the Capital. It is from his “cape” period. This period was extremely short and occurred between his Rebel Yell period and when he covered Neil Diamond tunes (see “The Jazz Singer”. For the record: Lucie Arnaz. Just sayin’. ) Each state gets two statues, however Idol’s statue is somewhat controversial. Shortly after installation, Idol released “Mony Mony”, causing the wishes-to-be-anonymous state (looking at you New York) to erase their name from the statue, deny all association, and hastily install a statue of the noted musician George Clinton. It is unclear why the Idol statue was left in place but current theories revolve around strict DC recycling laws.20180518_153420


Washington DC Visit (3 of 7)     The house exterior for pilot episode for “The Addams Family” was filmed here. After initial audience reaction indicated that the visuals gave the impression of a much richer family (and thus would not have kept Thing in a mere wood box), the producers found a more appropriate (a.k.a. lower rent) house exterior that became the iconic show opening.20180519_160822-effects


Washington DC Visit (4 of 7)     In a shocking example of imperialism, these photos show the turn of the century practice of using entire panda bears as rugs designed to decorate rock formations. Practiced for a few years after the panda’s “discovery” by the western world, this disturbing trend was led by Samuel Glocksbury, the last living founder of the “Let’s See How Many Bison We Can Shoot From A Train Without Stopping” all-inclusive vacation tour. Ironically, Glocksbury became the last living founder of the “Let’s See How Many Bison We Can Shoot From A Train Without Stopping” all-inclusive vacation tour by hiding under a bear skin rug when Ted Nugent’s ancestors came to the kill the founders (providing descendant Ted the lyrical motivation for his hit single “Great White Buffalo”). While despicable, note the loving care and craftsmanship that went into these stuffed pandas. Almost lifelike. Taxidermy did not scale these heights again until the Jackalopes of the 1980s.20180520_12023620180520_120008-effects


Washington DC Visit (5 of 7)    This patch of dirt was significant as it was present at the signing of the Magna Carta, the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and the opening of the DC Waffle House. The Illuminati are believed to be the ones that brought this well traveled collection of ground rock, decomposed plant material, and woolly mammoth poop to the New World. No explanation is yet known for the Waffle House. Given the Waffle House’s connection to the arch-nemesis of the Illuminati (a small but powerful group called Paparazzi), it is unlikely the transfer reasons were the same.20180521_173724


Washington DC Visit (6 of 7)    In the Economic portion of the trip, we illustrate the importance of construction on our economy. Note the seven cranes in this picture. Clearly there is a construction boom in this portion of Washington. The granddaughter was very attentive when we told her about it and ask piercing, but impertinent, economic questions like: “why didn’t I get to go to the baseball game?” (clearly a misunderstanding easily explained by the foreground between our office space and the cranes) and “why does your breath smell like beer?” (clearly missing the core principles of capitalism).20180521_193401


Washington DC Visit (7 of 7)    This is an excellent example of phirotrifinides, an important part of security in today’s modern world. Specially clad information workers carefully examine the exterior of the building for “phirotrifs”. These small, semi-organic (but gluten free) objects have recently infested the DC area, causing data leaks, database cracks, and telephonic overdrafts. While not much is known about them, they are believed to have originated as a result of University of Minnesota’ engineering department’s jealousy over University of Wisconsin’ State Street Halloween Bash. This happened at the turn of the century and was often mistaken for the so called “millennium bug”. Interestingly, the actual millennium bug has, upon years of detailed review by the US Department of Computer Knowledge, been determined to be the earliest known work of the Lawnsters, an over 60 hacking group consisting of ADA, COBOL, and FORTRAN programmers. This group has since moved to hacking social security checks and nutrition labels.20180519_144041

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